There are rare early wake ups now that we know better. But that’s just it. We didn’t know better and I was a mess from all the unknowing.
She’s crying to get out of her crib. Again. Darkness still shadowed my room. The sun was still asleep but not me, or my baby who never seemed happy or was it me who was never happy? I couldn’t tell the difference anymore. I just wanted to sleep.
Do you guys remember these days? I found this in Mom-Dentity™ as I’m shoulder-deep editing. (Read: deleting) And something hit me.
Experience. Knowing when you’re in a tough season is different than un-knowing you’re in a tough season.
When you’re a new mom, you don’t really know why your baby is not sleeping. Or why they are crying at all the wrong times. Or why you can’t manage to sneak in a workout before they wake up. Or what makes them cry in the car… all the time.
You get me. You’ve been there. If someone could have just shaken my shoulders and told me I was in a tough season and it would pass, cross their hearts. Not sure who “they” are but it would have helped. I’m not sure I heard that from anyone. Maybe I didn’t listen, or maybe I was such a mess from unknowing all the things I wanted to know that I couldn’t make sense of their words.
All I know (now) is that I looked out the windows for what seemed like the entire winter before the sun began to shine that year. I wondered to myself if anyone else in the world was awake. Here’s the thing, of course they were, I just couldn’t separate myself from the loneliness and isolation of being a new mom to perceive that this was just a tough season.
Luckily the baby began sleeping a little later and I began accepting (Mom-ccepting) that I had an early riser. To this day with three children in the house, we’re all up around 6:30 a.m. no matter what time we go to bed.
In another tough season, we are at the mercy of our 2 year old tyrant. it just is. And it just sucks. I had forgotten how physically and emotionally draining a teething toddler can be. I had forgotten nerves that are fried remain singed, they don’t just magically duplicate from one tantrum to the next. I see myself as very short fused and quite frankly, stressed, with the pull of a little boy and the yanking of two other kids. And in these moments, I’m also aware another tough season is ahead of me where none of these children will want what they want now which is me.
Sanctification by Motherhood. I suppose it never truly ends.
We’re talking gut feelings, or holy urgings, in the GBC Podcast this week! How do you know when it’s God or just your gut? What’s the difference?